


A perverted version of the one if by clam two if by sea episode of Family Guy

by familyguy_fan7



Category: Family Guy (Cartoon)
Genre: Diaper Wearing, Diaper changing, F/M, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, diaper wetting, extremely underage blow jobs and hand jobs, extremely underage vaginal fingering and licking, extremely underage vaginal sex, flashing boobs and vagina, peeing, pooping, pull ups, wetting pull ups
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-02-01 01:54:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21323410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/familyguy_fan7/pseuds/familyguy_fan7
Relationships: Lois Griffin/Nigel Pinchley, Stewie Griffin/Eliza Pinchley
Comments: 7





	1. The Clam is sold to Nigel Pinchley

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A Delightful Weekend](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13964142) by [reastbourne](https://archiveofourown.org/users/reastbourne/pseuds/reastbourne). 

The story starts at The Drunken Clam

  
Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places. That's cool. Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places. That's fly. Here you go, boys. Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places. You are livin' la vida loca. I better head home. What do you mean, "home"? You live here. Here's to The Drunken Clam, where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I. Quagmire, you forgot to say "Oh". Are you sure? I-I think I did. All right, well, just to be safe... Oh! 

  
We interrupt this program for a bulletin on the approach of Hurricane Norman. Here with an update is Greg the Weather Mime. OK, it's gonna be cold. Very cold. And there's gonna be wind. And people's parents will throw faecal matter down on them from the rooftops. How awful! Oh. No. I'm sorry. That's rain. Yes. It'll rain. The number one cause of injury during a hurricane is broken glass. So stay away from the windows. And, Peter, put those away. Aw, come on, Lois. Just one more song. Mom, I'm afraid if I fall asleep the hurricane's gonna sneak up and give me a vasectomy.

Chris, nothing bad ever happens when you're asleep. Sometimes good things can happen. Oh, Jenny... Jenny... Oh, yeah. Jenny, don't stop. Oh, Richard Jeni, your HBO comedy specials have brought pleasure to millions. And what a sweet ass. This way, everyone. Bless you for helping us, Father. It's God's wish, my dear. All right. Hurricane Norman is about to pound Quahog. We go live to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa to see how locals are dealing with the imminent disaster. Tricia? Diane, I'm here in... Thank you, Tricia. Stay tuned for further... Aaargh!  
What a mess. Look at that! Wow. Aaargh! Aaargh! For the love of God...

Oh, my God! Daddy! Aaargh! Oh, God! Oh, God! Gotcha! See, kids? Disasters have their lighter sides too. You just have to be creative. Yeah, like my dead-rat marionette theatre. "I'm so stressed. Life sure is a human race. " That's brilliant. Oh, my. Look at all the damage. Thank God the Open Air Debris Garden is still intact. Peter, look. The Clam. Aaagh! This is horrible. You think this is horrible? Try losin' a testicle in a knife fight with your mother. What about your bar? It's not mine any more.   


I sold the place. Let someone else worry about hurricanes. Who'd buy a wrecked bar? The bar's not wrecked. Thank you, God. Don't mention it. Wait. Something's different. Evening, gents. How about a nice warm lager? Help yourself to a packet of crisps. Or a ruddy nice plum pudding. Holy crap! It's a gay bar! They turned The Drunken Clam into a British pub? Well, at least they still got sports on TV. The new bowler has a cover point, long-on, square leg, extra cover and two short legs. 

What the hell is he talkin' about? It's cricket. Marvellous game, really. You see, the bowler hurls the ball towards the batsman, who tries to play away to fine leg. He scores by dashing between the creases, provided the wicketkeeper hasn't whipped his bails of Anybody get that? The only British idiom I know is that "fag" means "cigarette". Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up. Guys, there's no girlie magazines in the can! All they got is this David Copperfield. Wait. Any pictures of his girlfriend? No pictures at all! I think we should go. Yes. This is a dark and evil place. I say, Carruthers, you know what's very, very funny? A man dressed in women's clothing. Yes, quite. Ripping good laugh. Yes. Lois, The Drunken Clam's been taken over by lousy limey tea-suckin' British bastards!


	2. Peter meets Nigel the new owner of the Clam, while Stewie meets Eliza Pinchley

Peter! Hello. Nigel Pinchley here. I was introducing myself to your wife, who I must say is a gorgeous bit of crumpet. Holy crap. You're one of them! Peter. Nigel and his daughter are our new neighbours. I'm afraid I'm the limey bastard who's purchased your bar. Bit of an awkward moment, really. Awkward moment? I'll give you an awkward moment. One time during sex, I called Lois "Frank". Your move, Sherlock. Peter! Excuse us. Why are you acting like this? Nigel's charming. All British men are. That's what they said about Benjamin Disraeli. You don't even know who I am. The British are a lovely people. Not physically, of course, but inside. And Nigel has a very sweet little daughter. 

  
Eliza says Aw! Look at the little baby! What the devil is that ghastly noise? It's me. Eliza Pinchley. You wanna flower, little baby? Excuse me, what I think you mean to say is, would I like a flower? You don't so much speak the language as chew it and spit it out. Go on. What's wrong with the way I talk? Everything. Here's a shiny sixpence if you keep your mouth shut and go away.

When all of a sudden as Eliza bends over to pick up the coin, her underwear rips soo wide apart that Stewie can see her vagina while she’s still bending over. So after she picks up the coin, Eliza says o my God I think I just ripped me underwear. Eliza looks over at Stewie and noticed a bulge in his overalls, um what’s wrong with your overalls little baby. This causes Stewie to stop starring at Eliza’s vagina, he then un snaps the overalls letting them fall to the floor. Stewie goes to lift his shirt up so he can see what’s causing the bulge, but before he gets his hand on his shirt Eliza is already lifting it up. Ewe what’s sticking out of your diaper little baby, Stewie looks down and sees the tip of his penis is sticking out of his diaper. 

Stewie says to himself, ok Stewie you got two options to choose from. First option is to grab the front of your diaper and pull it up higher, so that you can hide your penis. Second option is to undo your diaper and let Eliza see your penis, because it’s only fair since she accidentally flashed her vagina at you when her underwear ripped. So Stewie thinks it over for a few minutes, hmm on the one hand I feel like now isn’t the time to be naked but on the other hand she already flashed me her vagina so maybe I should let my penis say hello to her and her vagina. When all of a sudden Eliza reaches down and try to take off Stewie’s diaper, but Stewie stops her and says first I don’t think I told you my name and second you could have just asked me if you could help me take my diaper off. 

So let’s start that over again Eliza, I didn’t catch your name little baby. It’s Stewie Griffin, hi Stewie can I help you take your diaper off. Well let me ask you this first Eliza, have you ever seen someone taking a diaper off a baby before. Why yes I have Stewie, it was my uncle taking his little baby boy’s diaper off. Very well then Eliza this shouldn’t be too hard, um Stewie I might need a little help finding the tabs on your diaper. O I would be glad to help you Eliza, ok good because I haven’t seen my uncle and his baby boy since we moved here. 

  
Now Eliza take one hand and grab this tab and pull it to the right, like this Stewie. Now see how the right side of my diaper so open now, I do Stewie. So I just pull this tab to the left. Well aren’t you going to tell me that I’m doing it right, Eliza yes Stewie what would happen if you pull that tab off my diaper and let go of it. Um I don’t know Stewie, o come on Eliza it’s really simple. Now Eliza what was holding my diaper on, um the tabs Stewie.

Ok good now you saw what happened after you removed the right side tab, yes I do Stewie the right side of your diaper opened. When all of a sudden Eliza lets go of the tab on the left side of Stewie’s diaper, but Eliza actually removed the tab while they were talking so his diaper falls to the ground. Wow Stewie your penis is hard like my dad’s was when I accidentally walked in on him and my mom doing it on their bed, I only walked in their because I had a nightmare that they wouldn’t love me as much if I got a little brother or sister.

  
Damn Eliza well enough about the past, Stewie I want you to put your penis in my vagina. Um how about we just start be playing with each other’s privates first, I’ll lick and finger your vagina and you can give my penis both a hand job and a blow job. So Stewie and Eliza start playing with each other’s privates, o Stewie o Eliza. When all of a sudden Eliza what’s wrong why did you stop playing with my penis, I have to go um… What you have to go home, no that’s not it Stewie.

Now I really need have to go Stewie, but you haven’t told if it’s that you have to go home or that you to go to the bathroom. When all of a sudden um Eliza yes Stewie, are you sure that what you were about to says wasn’t about needing to use the bathroom. Why do you think I needed to use the bathroom, because your peeing on my hand. Wait Stewie why’s my hand wet, I don’t know Eliza. Hey Stewie when did you pee last, whys that important Eliza. When all of a sudden Stewie yes Eliza, you’re peeing and my hands all wet with pee.

So a few minutes ok Stewie, I think my vagina and your penis have waited long enough not being together. So Stewie asks Eliza if she can help guide his penis into her vagina. So Eliza grabs Stewie’s penis in one hand and moves closer to Stewie, so close that the tip of his penis is touching the opening of her vagina. 

She then tries to use her other hand to stretch her vagina open wide enough for Stewie's penis, but before she asks Stewie to help her stretch it she feels two more hands touching her vaginal opening. Eliza go ahead and grab my penis with both hands, ok but who’s going to keep my vaginal opening stretched open if my hands are on your penis.

I am Eliza that’s why you felt two other hands touching your vaginal opening. So Stewie stretches Eliza’s vaginal opening so wide, that she doesn’t even feel his penis enter her vagina as she guides it in until his penis is almost all the way inside her vagina. Ouch that hurt when I stuck the rest of your penis into my vagina Stewie, I’m sorry Eliza it’s just that I couldn’t keep it stretched open any longer because my fingers were to slippery to keep holding your vagina stretched.

So Stewie and Eliza start having vaginal sex, o God this is amazing Stewie it sure is Eliza. So a few minutes later Stewie and Eliza are still having vaginal, but now they’re doing it cow girl style with Eliza sitting on top of Stewie and riding his penis up and down. So a few more minutes go bye and Stewie and Eliza are all tired, hey Stewie that was fun but I really should be getting home now.

Um Eliza you can’t go home with nothing under you dress, but my underwear is ripped apart so I can’t wear them. Well your too small to fit into my sister’s underwear Eliza, well then what can I wear under my dress Stewie. Well the only thing I can think of Eliza is to wear a diaper, well ok I’ll wear a diaper Stewie but only if you promise to come to my house later and get ride of the diaper.

So nobody will find out that I wore a diaper under my dress on the way home today.   
So Stewie agreed and helps Eliza put her diaper on, but Stewie what do I do if I have to go the bathroom while I have this diaper on. Eliza remember when you were a baby, yes I remember when I was a baby. So how does remembering when I was a baby, help me with the needing to use the bathroom while wearing a diaper Stewie. It’s simple Eliza where do babies go to the bathroom, um I think in their diapers Stewie. Eliza you’re correct a diaper is exactly where babies go to the bathroom. 

So now where should you go if you need to Eliza, in my diaper Stewie. So a few minutes go bye hey Eliza have you needed to go to the bathroom in your diaper yet, not yet but I kinda afraid of being embarrassed from going in a diaper in front of you or anyone. So Stewie starts a tickle fight to get Eliza's mind off of using her diaper as her bathroom. So a few more minutes go bye and Eliza still hasn’t needed to go to the bathroom. 

A few more minutes go bye hey Stewie if you keep tickling me like that I might just. When all of a sudden she starts wetting her diaper. Hey Eliza why did you stop tickling me, it’s because your tickling is causing me to wet my diaper. Well since you have already gone in your diaper Eliza, I’ll just wet mine to make you feel better knowing that you’re not the only one who just wet their diaper. So after Stewie and Eliza finish their tickle fight and are done wetting their diapers.

We probably should change our diapers now Eliza, I’ll change you first Eliza that way you’ll be ready when it’s time for you to go home. So after a few minutes Stewie and Eliza now have fresh diapers on. Eliza it’s time to go home coming father, well it’s time for me to go home Stewie but I did have a lot of fun with you today. See you later tonight Eliza, what do you mean Stewie by you’ll see me later tonight. Eliza did you forget the diaper promise, o now I remember Stewie and thanks for covering my ass literally with one of your fresh diapers.


	3. After dinner at the Griffin's house Stewie goes and visits Eliza Pinchley in her room

It’s now after dinner for the Griffin’s and Stewie is in his room, he walks out into the hallway and checks the rooms to make sure that the rest of the family is asleep. So after Stewie makes sure that he’s the only Griffin still awake, he then starts up his teleporter and teleports to Eliza's room. When Stewie gets to her room he finds her asleep, but when he goes to pull the bed sheets so he can remove her pjs and then her diaper. He’s shocked to see that she already has her pjs bottoms off, so he quickly and quietly goes to work on removing her diaper and putting her regular underwear on. When all of a sudden before Stewie gets her diaper open, Eliza starts peeing in her diaper in which causes her to wake up to Stewie standing next to her bed with his hands on her diaper. 

Eliza are you done peeing so I can remove your diaper, yes Stewie I’m done peeing in my diaper Stewie. So Eliza have you only been going in the diaper or have you used the toilet before I got here, well I went in the toilet a few times but it was hard to hide the diaper. So I decided to only poop in the toilet since there’s no way I can hide the diaper after I poop in it. Well how about we take our diapers off and have some naked and naughty fun with each other, before I fuck you in your vagina like we did earlier today.

So Stewie and Eliza get their diapers off, and Stewie cleans Eliza’s bottom especially her vaginal area. When all of a sudden Stewie and Eliza hear her father walking down the hallway past her room. So Eliza has Stewie hide in her closet until the coast is clear and they can get back to having fun with each other.   
So a few minutes pass bye and her father walks into her room, Eliza why are you up this late, I had to use the bathroom then after that I couldn’t fall back asleep.

O ok Eliza you can stay up just until you start falling asleep then its lights out for you. So after a few more minutes pass bye Eliza whispers through the closet door, ok Stewie you can come out now my father just wanted to check up on me. So as soon as Stewie gets out of the closet, him and Eliza sit on the floor with a diaper underneath them just in case they start peeing while having fun.

So after Stewie and Eliza have the diapers in place underneath them, Stewie starts to lick and finger Eliza’s vagina while she gives Stewie’s penis a hand job and a blow job.   
So a few minutes later Stewie and Eliza are kissing each other while he fingers her vagina and she continues to give his penis a hand job. When all of a sudden they both start peeing, but now they both want to have sex. Eliza we got four options here since we’re both peeing now.

First option is we wait until we’re done peeing before I put my penis inside your vagina. Second opinion is we just continue to pee while we start having vaginal sex. Third option is I stop peeing, but you continue to pee while I push my penis inside your vagina.

Fourth option is you stop peeing, but I continue to pee so I can hit your g spot with my pee as I push my penis inside your vagina. How about we combine the third and fourth options together Stewie. We’ll both continue to pee while you push your penis inside, but I’ll only continue to pee until your penis is inside my vagina that way your penis will be wet and slippery as you push it inside my vagina.

Um ok Eliza but I’m still going to hit your g spot with my pee right, yes Stewie that part didn’t change just the beginning did a little. So Eliza continues to pee on Stewie’s penis as he pushes his penis inside her vagina hitting Eliza’s g spot with his pee. Eliza let’s out a loud moan and Stewie says, Eliza don’t moan so loud we don’t want your father to come in here. O my bad Stewie it’s just that you hit my g spot so hard, that I just couldn’t help it Stewie.

So a few hours later Stewie and Eliza climb into her bed with Stewie’s penis still inside Eliza’s vagina. When all of a sudden Stewie wakes up to find Eliza dreaming that she’s playing on a pogo stick as she bounces up and down on Stewie’s penis. So a few minutes later Eliza wakes up to go to the bathroom. Stewie why are you awake do you also need to go to the bathroom, no I don’t need the bathroom Eliza it’s just that you woke me up when you were dreaming that you were playing on a pogo stick. O my God Stewie I completely forgot that we fell asleep while having sex, so when I was bouncing up and down on the pogo stick I was actually bouncing up and down on your penis Stewie.

Well I should probably pull my penis out so you can use the bathroom Eliza, Stewie the bathroom can wait for a little bit longer.   
So Stewie and Eliza get off her bed, Eliza you’re sure you don’t have to use the bathroom right this minute. Stewie I’m pretty sure it can wait, ok but just to make sure your floor doesn’t get anything on it. I’m going to put down some potty pads, say Stewie how about you put them over there in the middle of those two floor to ceiling mirrors. O you’re a dirty and sexy girl aren’t you Eliza, yes I am Stewie now get it setup quickly now.

Why so quickly Eliza I thought you needing the bathroom could wait, well that’s just I’m starting to really have to poop Stewie but I want to have sex while I’m pooping. So Stewie and Eliza get the potty pads setup in the middle of her room between the two mirrors. So Stewie starts moving his penis in and out of her vagina, Eliza starts moving her vagina back and forth. Eliza why are you moving your vagina, I thought we could take turns moving back and forth. 

  
Hey Stewie can you see if I’m pooping, yes I can check but only if you check to see if I’m also pooping Eliza. So a few minutes later am I pooping Stewie not yet Eliza, say Eliza am I pooping not yet Stewie. How much longer before one or both of us start pooping, I don’t know how much longer Stewie but I do know that it won’t be. When all of a sudden before Eliza could finish the sentence she sees that Stewie is pooping, hey Stewie yes Eliza you’re pooping. I am yes now can you check to see if I’m pooping Stewie, let me see Eliza. Well am I or am I not pooping Stewie, o you’re pooping a lot Eliza. 

  
So a few minutes damn that sex was wonderful, holly crap that’s a lot of poop. Well yeah most of it is yours Eliza, um Stewie look again at the pile behind you. Wow I didn’t know I went that much, o my God look at the time Eliza your father is probably awake or about to be awake any minute now. O my God we have to get dressed Stewie, yes we do Eliza now here’s your dress and underwear. Um ok Stewie and here’s a fresh diaper, your shirt, and your overalls, say Eliza why did you say um ok the way you did when handed you your dress and underwear.

O Stewie it’s just that maybe I’m starting to like wearing a diaper or that I just want you to put one on me. So I can wet it one last time before getting back to wearing underwear and using the toilet, ok Eliza I’ll put it on you and I’ll change you after you wet it. So a few minutes later Stewie and Eliza are now dressed and they go down stairs, but half way down Eliza stops and Stewie asks her why she stopped. Why did you stop walking down the stairs Eliza, I just really have to go to the bathroom Stewie. Well if you needed to go then why are we walking down the stairs Eliza, when there’s a bathroom upstairs.

Well I didn’t really need it that bad before we started to walk towards the stairs, but as soon as we got to the stairs and started walking down them I started to really need to go to the bathroom. Um ok but why did you stop when we could have just hurried up down the stairs and ran into the down stairs bathroom, well we could have but I just don’t think I would have made it in time. When all of a sudden ahhh that feels to pee in my diaper, um you could have just kept walking down the stairs while you wet the diaper you know. Why would I want to walk while I’m peeing in my diaper Stewie, when we both know I like the feeling of it getting my whole vagina wet. 

  
Well we better get to the down stairs bathroom so I can change your wet diaper Eliza. So Stewie and Eliza get to the down stairs bathroom, Eliza starts taking her dress off and gets down to her diaper. Stewie I’m ready for to change my diaper, um ok but first I need you to lay down your back so I can really clean your vagina of your pee. Um Stewie what’s taking you so long to up my diaper, just making sure I have everything I need to change your diaper Eliza. When all of a sudden Stewie starts peeing, um Eliza I’m going to need you to change my diaper when I’m done changing your diaper. So a few minutes later Stewie finishes peeing, ok I’m going to change your diaper Eliza now. 

So Stewie starts to slowly open Eliza’s diaper, Eliza are ready for me to wipe your vagina yet. I’m ready Stewie go ahead wipe and lick my vagina clean Stewie, o you dirty and sexy girl know exactly what I want to do to you without me asking you. When all of a sudden Eliza starts peeing again, um Stewie why did you stop wiping my vagina clean and started to lick my vagina clean. Eliza it’s because you’re peeing again, wait what are you sure Stewie. O I’m sure that you are peeing Eliza just take a look for yourself. O my God Stewie you’re I really am peeing, see Eliza I told you say Eliza why’s your hand in my diaper.

Um Stewie I was just giving you a hand job, when you started peeing so now I’m going to open your diaper so I can give you a blow job and suck the pee right out of your penis. So a few more minutes Stewie and Eliza both stop peeing and Stewie finishes changing Eliza’s diaper, then it’s Eliza’s turn to change Stewie’s diaper. So after Stewie and Eliza both have a new diaper on, well I guess this is goodbye Eliza. I guess it is Stewie but you are coming back later to get rid of all the diapers, so my father won’t find the diapers. Eliza of course I’ll come back later to get rid of the diapers, and no distracting me this time Eliza. O I’ll let you just do whatever it takes to get rid of the diapers, ok Eliza all I need you to do is collect all the diapers and hide them in your room in this trash bag.

  
So Eliza did as Stewie told her to do, she collected all the diapers and put them in the trash bag. When all of a sudden just as Eliza was putting the trash bag in her closet, she starts peeing right as Stewie shows up in her room. Hey Eliza did you collect and hide all the diapers in that trash bag, almost Stewie when right as you showed up I started peeing in my diaper. So after I’m done peeing I want you to take my diaper off clean my vagina and put my underwear on me. So after a few minutes Eliza stops peeing, and Stewie takes Eliza’s diaper off wipes and licks her vagina before putting her underwear on her.


	4. Peter and his friends get framed for burning down the Clam, while Stewie gets invited to Eliza's birthday party

  
Oh...I know The Drunken Clam was your bar, but you and your friends can find somewhere else to act like idiots. I guess you're right. You know why I married you, Lois? It's not just the racked or the caboose. It's that big sexy brain of yours. All right. This place isn't bad. Yeah. Good music, real sports on the tube. I've never seen so many chicks in one place. Hey, check out those toe hotties. They're so lonely, they're practisin' kissin' each other. I don't think they're practisin'. Oh. Oh! Ohhh. 

  
So, you ladies ever been penetrated? Yep. Yep. Yup. Mm-hm. Hope the loo is working. Nice choice for a hang-out, Peter. There's not even anywhere to sit down. Is that some kind of crack? Crack? You sayin' I got a fat ass? Fellas, fellas. What's become of us? We never squabbled before we lost The Clam. Right. It's those lousy fog-breathers. Damn British. They took our bar, then our friendship. What's next? Apple pie, fast cars and action films? 

It was a glorious summer in Oxford where I met Freddy Cavendish. A most remarkable young man whose friendship would change my life forever. You are the anchor that gives my spirit licence to soar. Our forefathers wouldn't take it on the chin like this. Right. I say we fight the British and drive 'em back to whatever country they came from. Yeah! Yeah! We gonna get 'em.  
Stewie, look. It's an invitation to little Eliza's birthday party. You mean that horrid girl who talks like a scullery maid? I didn't realise she'd been born. I assumed she'd congealed in a gutter somewhere.

Ooh, I'm gonna RSVP right now. Splendid. An entire afternoon of her "er"s and "ah"s and "'alf a pound of ha'penny rice" Why can't the English teach their children how to speak? You teach her. If you're up to it. Oh, yes. This is the part where I'm supposed to say "I am so up to it. Ha ha ha. " Well, I am. I accept your challenge. At her party I shall pass that guttersnipe off as a lady. What are the stakes of this wager? Why don't you shut up for about a week? And if I win? I wasn't betting. Why don't you just shut up for about a week? You're on!

  
Minutemen, present arms. Load weapons. Boom chaka-laka-laka boom chaka-laka. Fire! Oh, I say! Throw the blackguards out. I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave. Don't tread on me. Yeah, back off. We kicked your ass in World War II and we can do it again. Very well, then. If you refuse to go peaceably, we'll have to use our superior linguistic skills to convince you to leave. Just try it. Bye. Sorry to bother you. I never saw it that way before... Wait a minute. How the hell did they do that? We're not gonna let this stop us. I've never been defeated. Except once. Eric? Peter? Oh, my God. I haven't seen you since high school. 

  
What are you doin' these days? I'm the red guy. Oh, my God. What about you? I'm the green guy. No kiddin'? Yeah. Hey, is that Stacy Beacham? Where? Now, don't worry, these guys are trained to stay perfectly still. Check it out. Hey, Margaret Tha... What the hell...? I thought you English guys never move. No, that's just our women. Bloody hell! My lunch was in that hat! Egg and chips with jam butties. Welcome to the Quahog beer party. I do feel a little guilty about pollutin'. I felt Guilty once, but she woke up. Peter, what are you doin'? 

It may taste like a warm cup of tobacco-chewer's spit, but it's still beer. Good point. Bottoms up! Ha! Take that, you lousy Brits! Peter! We waited up all night. Where were you? Wh-where was I? Where were you? Out drinkin'. But I was back by two. Oh, no. Our top story: The Clam's Head Pub has burned to the ground. Our own Tricia Takanawa is on the scene. Is Quahog in the grip of a serial arsonist? Police say no, but our producer says yes. Here's an artist's depiction of what the arsonist might look like.

Anyone with information regarding this suspect should contact police immediately. One thing is certain: The pain here is palpable. For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth II gives poignant new meaning to the phrase "Hey, check out that flaming queen. " In a late development the police have a new suspect. We now go live to Hispanic reporter Maria J... Ji... Jim... Jimenez. I know what it is. At this moment we're approaching the suspect's house.  
This is better than COPS. You know there's a fat drunk guy in there. Hold it! Freeze! There he is. Griffin, you're comin' with us. I wanna see what they do with this jackass. Hands up!

Oh, Peter, you didn't! Hey, fatty's wife is a babe. That's it. It appears the real arsonist is in custody, thanks to an anonymous tip to the authorities. Good. Good. Ah, the fat guy's struggling. Hit him, you stupid pigs! Hit him. Use the billy... This Minutemen flag was found in the wreckage of The Clam's Head. You are clearly guilty of arson, so you are free to go. Straight to jail. Ha! Now you got burned! No bail. Peter, tell me you didn't do this. Lois, I didn't do it. You can trust me, right? Let's sit down and talk about this. I wanna believe you but... agh! Gotcha! But seriously, you can trust me.

Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry this terrible tragedy has befallen you. Thank you, Nigel. You're very kind. Can I touch your bum once? What? I expect to see you at Eliza's birthday bash. I won't take no for an answer. Unless the question is "Do you not like me?" Get it? Double negative, you know. Yes, very good. Hey hey hey, check out the new meat. I like the fat one. More cushion for pushin'. Thank you. Hey, we gonna have a good time together. Gosh, everybody's so nice here. I mean, they're gonna be disappointed when they find out I'm not gay, but wow. Oh, my God. See that guy? That's the most vicious killer I ever put away, Steve Bellows.

He's so mean, he shot a man for snoring. Where have I heard that before? It's in this simulated-leather edition of Time-Life's Killers of Quahog. They're all here. John the Biter, the Berserk Hobo, the Golden Autumn Day Strangler... Maybe Steve won't remember you. Well, well. Officer Swanson. You and your friends are dead. You're all dead! Oh, good. He thinks we're zombies. He'll leave us alone. 


	5. Eliza shows up again in the Griffin's backyard, Stewie tries to get her to speak properly before her birthday

  
Eliza shows up in the Griffin’s backyard again while Stewie is playing out in the backyard.  
Hey Stewie me want your penis in me vagina. No, no, no! If you're ever going to be a lady, you must speak like one. Now try it again Eliza. Hey Stewie me want your penis in me vagina. No no no how about you try this one. "The life of the wife is ended by the knife. " The loif of the woif... No, no, no. Not "loif". Life! Life! That's what I said. Loif.

Listen, you tin-eared piece of baggage. We've got five days left, and I'll not lose my wager. So Stewie strips down to his diaper, now Eliza I want you to take off your dress. Ok Stewie I’m going to take off me dress Now. Wait a second where’s your underwear Eliza, I ave me underwear on silly. Ok Eliza if you really do have underwear on then just pull them down. So sure enough Eliza pulls her underwear down, but Stewie is shocked to see that she has a diaper on.

Why do you have a diaper on Eliza and why’s it wet, well Stewie if you really want to know. It’s because I wet meself in me dad’s car, so he put a diaper on me so I wouldn’t get me seat and dress wet. Ok let me get your wet diaper off, um ok but can I get yours off Stewie. Sure you can Eliza Stewie says as finishes getting her diaper off, but first I just got to do something real quick.

Um ok Stewie what do you need to do first. When all of a sudden as Eliza puts her hand inside Stewie’s diaper, he starts peeing getting her hand wet with pee. Ew now me hand is wet witf your pee Stewie, well you could have waited till is was done peeing you know. I know I could ave Stewie, but I wanted to feel your penis witf me hand so bad.

  
Now repeat after me. Stewie then licks Eliza’s wet diaper before saying, "Hello, Mother, have you hidden my hatchet?" Eliza says as she starts giving Stewie a hand job while his diaper is still on, 'Ello, Mother, 'ave you 'idden my 'atchet? Oh, God, no. It's an H sound, you moron. H! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ew. Your breath smells like pee. I was curious on what your pee tasted like today! Ok Stewie it’s turn to take your diaper off and lick it.

  
Our husbands couldn't have done this. Cleveland can't even light the damn hhibachi. Excuse me. Where can I find Nigel Pinchley? I'm from Quahog Insurance. I have a cheque for him. Five million dollars?! He took out a policy just before the fire. Doesn't that strike you as a little suspicious? No, not really. In fact, it seems to happen all the time. Oh, no. Here comes Steve! - I haven't forgot about you boys. Saturday night at midnight. You're dead. All of you are dead. Midnight on Saturday? Thank God! We can still be in the talent show. From the top, boys. A-five, six, seven, eight. 

  
So Stewie and Eliza are now completely naked, now can you fuck me vagina witf your penis Stewie. Ok Eliza repeat after me Stewie says as he pushes his penis inside her vagina. How do you do? Ow do you do? No no no Eliza! Once again, here is how it should sound. Stewie pushes harder this time as he says. "How do you do?" Here's how you sound moo. Followed by Eliza moaning, Eliza can you do your sexy moans quietly. I will try to keep em quiet, ok good now lets try it again Eliza. 

How do you do? - What did you say? "The life of the wife is ended by the knife. " I think she's got it. I think she's got it! "The life of the wife is ended by the knife. By George, she's got it! By George, she's got it! Now, what ends her wretched life? "The knife, the knife! And where's that bloody knife? "In the wife, in the wife. " The life of the wife is ended by the knife. Bravo, Eliza! "The life of the wife is ended by the knife! Hmm it seems that when ever we’re either having sex or sexual fun you start to speak properly.


	6. Nigel tells Lois what happened to the pub but only after he had vaginal sex with her, but he had no clue that he was being recorded

Hello. So nice to see you. There he is. We need to search the house for evidence, but one of us has to distract Nigel. Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't. What about Loretta? Nigel looks like he's down with the swirl. There you are, Lois. Shall I give you the grand tour and show you my... private quarters? I'd love to. I must say, you look absolutely... mmm... mmm... mm-mm-mm. Don't be shy, lambie lamb. This is my study, where I... study things that arouse my interest. Oh, good. The girls are in place. Oh, Nigel. Since Peter's been gone, I've been searching for someone new. You know? Someone with a sense of danger and adventure. I once played cricket without shin guards. - Oh, I love a reckless man. One time I went up to this bloke's flat, rang the bell and ran like Sebastian Coe. 

  
More! Tell me more! Ok I’ll tell you more but not until you show me that sexy body of yours. Um will this get you to talk about what happened to your pub, Lois then takes off her shirt and bra. O silly Lois your going to need to show me more than just those sexy boobs of yours. Ok how about now Nigel is this enough, Lois then takes off her pants and says will letting you feel my vagina through my panties work.

O Lois your getting closer but that’s still not what will make tell you what happened to the pub. Ok Nigel will letting will this do it for you, Lois then pulls her panties to one side and says go ahead Nigel finger my vagina. Your still getting closer but not close enough Lois. Ok Nigel will taking my panties off so you can see my vagina and finger it without my panties getting in the way.

O you still don’t get what it will take for me to talk about what happened to the pub do you, Nigel then takes his pants off and pulls his underwear down exposing his erected penis. O if letting you have vaginal sex with me will get you to tell me what happened to the pub, Lois then climbs on top of Nigel and sticks his penis in her vagina. Ok ok Lois you have showed my that you’ll do anything to get me to talk about what happened to my pub. So here it is I burned down my pub for the insurance money and framed your husband.

I knew it! And what's more, I have witnesses. Bonnie.   
Loretta? Demond Wilson from Sanford and Son? What are you doing here? I know. I'm surprised I'm alive too. Sorry, love. Better luck next time. Mr Pinchley, I heard everything. And what you've done is a textbook example of insurance... fra-ud? Bloody hell. Why the devil were you in the closet? - I came with Demond. 


	7. Stewie gets ready for Eliza's Birthday party

Stewie is up in his room working on his time/ teleporter machine. Hmmm I wonder what will happen to Eliza at her party? Maybe I should time travel to the party so I can see what happens as she greats the guests. So Stewie shows up at her party in costume so nobody will notice him. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Eliza Pinchley. Psst. You. Dogbert. Down here. Get a front-row seat for this one. How kind of you all to come. Magnificent! Old sport, why don't you pull your face from your loins and bury it into some humble pie? Bloody 'ell! I've gone and wet meself. Don't give me that smug look. Fine! You have extra-sensitive hearing: Hear this. Fuck you, I'm telling. I... No! I said "vacuum"! 

  
So Stewie time travels back to his room so he can think of a way to keep Eliza from wetting herself. I got before the party starts I’ll teleport to her, and tell that she needs to wear a diaper so she doesn’t wet herself. Eliza it’s me Stewie, what are you doing in my room Stewie. I have something to tell you about what will happen as you great your guests. Well what is it Stewie and hurry up because I need to get dressed. Wait you mean you’re naked, well yes that’s why I didn’t say you could come into my room.

Eliza I need to show you what happens and only way to do it is, for me to use my time machine and teleport us to where the guests are waiting as you great them.   
Um Stewie I don’t do anything embarrassing do I, you do Eliza you wet yourself as you walk down the stairs. There’s no way I would do that Stewie, only potty training toddlers wet themselves. I thought you might not believe me saying what happens, so that’s why I’m going to have us watch you great the guests and then walk down the stairs and wet yourself. Ok Stewie I’ll go with you and watch myself great the guests and walk down the stairs.

So if you’re right what do you plan on having me wear under my dress if I do wet myself, I would have you wear this under your dress Eliza as he pulls a diaper out and hands it to her. Now if I’m right Stewie that I’m too old to wet myself and it’s just water, you have to wear a dress and panties at my party.   
So Stewie and Eliza show up at her party in costumes. Eliza get ready to wear a diaper under your dress at your party! No Stewie get ready to wear a dress at my party. 

So they Stewie brings Eliza over to the spot where he was spying earlier. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Eliza Pinchley. Psst. You. Dogbert. Down here. Get a front-row seat for this one. How kind of you all to come. Magnificent! Old sport, why don't you pull your face from your loins and bury it into some humble pie? Bloody 'ell! I've gone and wet meself. Don't give me that smug look. Fine! You have extra-sensitive hearing: Hear this. Fuck you, I'm telling. I... No! I said "vacuum"! 

  
You win Stewie but I’m not wearing a fucking diaper I already did it once so I could cover up my vagina when I ripped my underwear when we first met and again when you stayed over that night. Ok no diaper but there must be something else you could wear that would protect you like a diaper.

I know what I can wear under my dress Stewie, these she pulls out pull ups and puts one on. What the fuck are those Eliza, Stewie how about you try one on while I tell you about them.

So Stewie puts the pull ups on, wow Eliza these feel better than my diaper and I didn’t need anyone to put it on me. Stewie what you and me are wearing are pull ups, they’re designed to help you transition from diapers to underwear. These ones have additional features that help us to remember to us the potty instead of our pull ups. How Eliza how do they do that, this is how they do that. 

When all of a sudden Eliza starts wetting her pull ups, Eliza why’s the design on the front fading. That’s what happens as they get wet inside the design on the front fades, now stick your hand inside right here do you feel that raised liner. Yes Eliza that’s so that you can really feel the wetness inside your pull ups.  
Well I better get ready for the party Stewie, Eliza says as she removes the used wet pull ups. Eliza now fully naked looks at Stewie and, says Stewie what’s wrong with your pull ups. So Stewie looks down at his pull ups, and says um Eliza could you see the tip of my penis sticking out of my pull ups

. Yes I did Stewie that’s why I wanted to know if something was wrong with them. Well there’s definitely nothing wrong with them, say Eliza have you ever seen or played with a penis before. No but can we hurry up Stewie, o yes your party I almost forgot ok I’ll play with your vagina and you play with my penis then we both get fully dressed and ready for your party. 

So a few minutes later ok Eliza it’s time for me to go and wait with the rest of your guests, ok Stewie. O and Stewie thanks for helping prevent myself from wetting myself at the party.  
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Eliza Pinchley. Psst. You. Dogbert. Down here. Get a front-row seat for this one. How kind of you all to come. Magnificent! Old sport, why don't you pull your face from your loins and bury it into some humble pie? 

Eliza whispers Bloody 'hell! I've gone and wet myself in Stewie’s ear. Don't give me that smug look. Fine! You have extra-sensitive hearing: Hear this. Fuck you, I'm telling. I... No! I said "vacuum"! Eliza why did you whisper it this time but in my ear, because wearing the pull ups helped me hide the fact that I wet myself as I walked down the stairs. Ha ha Brian thought you said bloody ell I’ve gone and wet meself again, he probably didn’t hear it correctly this time.

  
Hey Stewie my pull ups aren’t just wet with pee, there not how’s that Eliza. Dang Eliza you’re right and your vagina is super wet, well I’m very horny right now Stewie. Stewie starts to stare at Eliza’s pull ups especially when she asks him to look inside them. What are you doing Eliza why are you taking me into the bathroom with you, it’s because I want you to watch me peeing as you look inside my pull ups Stewie.

Wow Eliza that’s amazing to see how you pee and where it comes from. Um Stewie I think your penis wants to show me how you pee in your pull ups. Well I can’t show you that now Eliza, why not Stewie I showed you. Well yes but I can’t show you because my penis is erected so if I try to show you how I pee in my pull ups you’ll get wet with pee.


	8. Nigel confesses and Peter and his friends are set free, Stewie gets a letter from Eliza

  
Hurry, Peter. Steve'll be here in five minutes. - Oh, crap. We're dead. This is the end, boys. Looks like our next stop is a corner booth in a bar in heaven. Peter, Nigel confessed. You're free! You hear that, guys? We're free! Get ready to die! Oh. I wonder what this feels like. Ow! That hurts! My God, is that what I've been doin' to people? I belong here. Horace, I never thought I'd see you or The Clam again. Florida stunk. Alligator mounted me when I wasn't lookin'. Laid eggs in my lower intestine. But you're all thirsty. I'll bore you another time. Here's to our wives. They may not be as hot as the women you see on TV. Or as entertaining. But, um... I don't know where I'm goin' with this. But thanks.

I guess that lousy Nigel learned his lesson. Whatever he gets is too good for him. Dear Stewie, I want you to know that I blame my father's death and my incarceration in this hellhole entirely on your awful mother. If it takes the rest of my life, I shall see that she suffers a slow and painful death. Eliza.

O Stewie can you come visit and fuck me in this hellhole, because all the boys here are gay. Excellent. Here, have a look. Good. Good.   
So a few months go bye, and Stewie gets a very sexy letter from Eliza. O Stewie I can’t stop thinking about your penis it’s the only thing that makes me forget about this hellhole. So here’s a sexy picture of my vagina for you to masturbate to. Also can you send me a sexy picture of your penis so I can look at it while I masturbate.

So Stewie thinks it over as he looks at the hot sexy picture of Eliza’s vagina. Hmm I got two options here I can send her a sexy letter just like the one she sent me, or I could surprise her by showing up at that hellhole unannounced with nothing but my diaper concealing my erected penis for Eliza. So later that night Stewie has made up his mind and decides to make a surprise visit with Eliza.


End file.
